Psyche in the City – How responsible are we for other people’s feelings?

‘In a healthy relationship the needs, feelings and desires of each individual are given equal importance.’ Freya ♥

When someone gets upset with us about something we have, or have not done, it is easy to end up feeling bad about ourselves. While there are people who don’t seem to care about what others think, many of us worry incessantly about treading on others toes or getting a bad reaction. So, just how responsible are we for other people’s feelings?

Until relatively recently, people were expected to conform to the values of the community they were born into, including the smaller community of their family. Everyone was expected to do as they were told and to put duty to others above duty to the self. Even the most intimate of personal decisions such as choosing a sexual partner, needed to be sanctioned by an authority figure. If an individual rebelled against this authority, the price was likely to be rejection, exile, imprisonment or even death.

Many countries across the world still maintain a traditional social structure which is why we continue to hear about stonings for adultery, ‘honour’ killings for disgracing the family and state executions for crimes against God. What is often forgotten is that our lives were governed in much the same way until the relatively recent collective rebellion of the 1960s and 70s. Out of this period of liberation a new ‘individualistic‘ social order was created.

Unfortunately, just because we are legally free to make our own choices doesn’t mean that others won’t try to control or manipulate us into doing what they want, especially if they hold power or authority over us. Violence is no longer considered an acceptable method of control so people are increasingly likely to revert to more subtle or covert tactics which can be difficult to spot and even harder to challenge.

One of the most powerful ways to control another person is to make them feel bad about themselves.

When a person or group attempts to use bad feelings to gain control or influence over someone, they are using emotional manipulation. Here are some examples:

• shaming; (shouting, verbal attacks, name calling, criticising, humiliation, bullying)

• guilt tripping; (acting hurt, sulking, emotionally withdrawing or blaming)

• emotional blackmail; (threatening to leave, to reject someone or to withdraw love, money or affection)

• undermining; (sabotaging, deceiving, scapegoating)

Whenever someone tries to control or manipulate another person, they are attempting to make the victim responsible for their own feelings, needs or desires. Rather than taking care of themselves, they are hoping they can coerce the other person into taking care of them. Of course just because we are feeling bad or someone else is expressing hurt feelings doesn’t automatically mean we are being emotionally manipulated but if we feel excessively guilty or self doubting it is worth checking out what is really going on.

If you are feeling bad about someone’s reaction to you it can be helpful to step back from the situation in order to gain better perspective. The first question to ask yourself is; ‘have I transgressed one of my own morals or values?’ If you feel bad because you have done (or not done) something you feel unhappy about in yourself, then make changes for your own sake. It is very difficult to feel good about yourself when you are not living life in accordance with your own values and it also makes it much easier for a manipulative person to find a way to undermine you.

If you think you are only feeling bad because of the other person then ask yourself; ‘do they have a personal agenda that they are attempting to get me to fit into?’ Examples of this would be they want you to change your decision, thoughts, behaviour, or feelings in a way that will suit them better. If you think this may be the case, then ask yourself; ‘would this change require me to put my own needs, feelings or desires to one side in order to make them feel better?’

If someone is trying to get you to negate your own needs, feelings, or desires in order to take care of theirs, whether they are aware of it or not, they are emotionally abusing you. No one has the right to expect you to put their needs above your own. In healthy relationships the needs, feelings and desires of each individual are given equal importance. Sometimes a compromise may need to be found, but if you come to the conclusion that you are being emotionally manipulated then it is time to stand up for yourself and what is important to you.

Many people have been conditioned to sublimate their own needs, feelings and desires in order to ‘fit in’ with those of their care givers. They grow up believing that they can avoid further feelings of guilt, shame, self doubt or fear by conceding to the wishes of others. What they don’t realise is that the bad feelings cannot be avoided by acquiescing because the manipulator needs to continue inflicting pain in order to maintain control of the relationship: As long as you agree to emotional manipulation, you will continue to feel bad.

It can be very scary to consider breaking free from the clutches of an emotional manipulator. Should we decide to stand up for ourselves, we often fear what they will do or say next. This is for good reason, as it is pretty normal for a manipulator to escalate their efforts in an attempt to regain control. (If you have any concerns that refusing to play someone else’s game will lead them hurting themselves, you, or anyone else, please be sure to seek professional support and advice before making any changes.)

The painful feelings the manipulator throws at you will only stick if you chose to take them on board. You can at any point chose to stop buying into the myth that it is your responsibility to make them feel better and that if you do it their way, somehow you will end up feeling better. If you really want to be free of those feelings of guilt, shame, fear and self doubt, then let go of the belief that you can ever make yourself happy through submitting to another person’s agenda. True happiness comes from living life in accordance with our own values, needs, and desires and allowing others to do the same.