Book Signing @ Waterstones, Bridport.

Manifesting Mr Wonderful is arriving at Waterstones in Bridport, Dorset. Come and meet Freya and have your copy signed. See you there!

Saturday 20th March 2010 from

11am- 1pm

Psyche in the City – ‘How do we know if we are being too dependent on others?’

‘Emotionally healthy adults know how to find the balance between depending on the self and depending on others.’ Freya ♥

In a world where we are constantly being encouraged to be independent and free, the thought of revealing any dependency fills us with dread. We want independence from parents, external authority and from any sort of social control. Young people are encouraged to roam the world and single people told to celebrate the fact that they can sleep with whomever they like, whenever they like. Independence is equated with confidence, personal power and self actualisation but if we depend on others does that really mean that we are inherently fearful, needy and unable to stand on our own two feet?

Dependency is a word that makes many people cringe. What comes into your mind when you read the word? Being emotionally needy? Addiction to drugs? Not being able to give something or someone up when you should? Many of us have come to the point where we are so terrified of depending on something outside of ourselves, that we habitually keep everything and everybody at arms length. But when we become habitually independent in an attempt to keep ourselves safe, are we not just as fearful as the needy, clingy person?

Independence and dependence are two sides of the same coin and both have their place in our lives. Learning to depend on the self is the goal of every child but healthy self sufficiency does not naturally lead to not having to depend on anyone else. An emotionally healthy adult will know how to find the balance between depending on the self with depending on others. They will have learned how to take care of their needs by themselves and through appropriate, beneficial relationships with others. When we are habitually needy or trying to keep others at arm’s length it is a sign that fear is getting in the way.

As children we depend completely on our family. We have to trust the adults around to take care of us both materially and emotionally, regardless of whether they are up to the job or not. When we are let down we become fearful because our needs don’t get met. We can respond by either becoming needy, waiting for someone to make us feel better, or becoming super-independent, believing that no one else can ever really be trusted. We may act out the opposite responses in different relationships or even swing between the two extremes in the same relationship. However we try and cope, when we are wounded in childhood, (as so many of us are,) we often enter into adulthood with problems knowing how to meet our needs in a healthy way.

We live in a world where we are required to both depend on ourselves and on relationships with others. When we have been wounded in some way, we need to learn how to face our fears, or they will continue to stand in the way of us getting our needs met. Acting too needy or independent repels others from getting close to us yet it is impossible to have our deepest need for love met unless we can allow intimate relationships to develop. The closer and more committed the relationship, the greater the capacity there is for our emotional needs to be met. Ultimately we know we can’t have what we want without letting our defences down, but how can we do this when we are too scared trust?

When we are children we are forced to trust specific others to meet all of our needs. Ultimately once we are adult, we have far more options available to us about where we can go to get any particular need met. While a child relies almost exclusively on their parents for everything, an adult has a multitude of avenues to choose from. We can decide on our friends, partners, and where we work. We can try doing something for ourselves or ask others for help. We can approach professionals, support groups and other organisations if we need additional support. Thankfully, once we have flown the nest we are free to go and find the places where our needs will be met rather than having to sit and hope that one day things will change.

The problem is many people are trapped in the belief that what they experienced in childhood is an accurate reflection of what life will always bring. Struggles with low self esteem, self doubt and fear of getting hurt can make it difficult to break the pattern of struggling to survive without certain needs getting met. The only way out of this is to accept that our experience of our family of origin is not an accurate reflection of the whole world and the way we are treated by our family is not an accurate reflection of the way we will always be treated by other people. Once we free ourselves from our distorted childhood beliefs, we can begin the process of taking small steps to reach out and find what it is we are looking for.

There are no easy answers when it comes to learning how to balance taking care of ourselves with trusting others to be there for us; it takes self awareness and a commitment to change the way we do things. If we are scared to do things for ourselves, we need to practice with small things so we can build self confidence. Over time we will find we can trust ourselves to find a way to meet our needs. If we are too scared to rely on others, we need to decide to take small risks to find out if we can trust individuals and be willing to protect ourselves if we discover we can not. Over time we will learn to recognise those who are trustworthy and feel comfortable depending on them for certain things.

We know we are being too dependent on others when we flatly refuse to depend on ourselves. And when we insist on super-independence, what we are really saying is that we do not trust ourselves to choose people who are dependable. True freedom lies both in believing we can take care of ourselves and in accepting that this often requires us to reach out and depend on others. Whether we are choosing a friend, partner, boss, or therapist, as adults we are always responsible for our choices. Ultimately we need to learn to trust ourselves to find the right people to depend upon.

Freya’s Astro Advice

January 2010

ARIES

2 Staffs, Rhodonite, Change

You have reached an important crossroads. This means that you need to assess where you have been and where you are going. Your life is undergoing some profound changes so it is important that you gain clarity about the process you are going through. This is not simply an intellectual process – you need to really listen to your heart in the situation you face. Ask your heart what needs to change.

TAURUS

Strength, Amazonite, Challenge

Creative changes continue to stretch you. Amazonite returns to you this month asking you to continue to express what is in your heart. However, you are now going deeper into a situation and you are finding it a challenge or perhaps you have hit a road block? You are being tested by the Universe to see if this is what you really want. Be strong in your resolve – you know you can do it!

GEMINI

9 Swords, Sugilite, Letting Go

Well there is no way around this Gemini, something had to give and now you know what you need to do. Unfortunately you are not very happy about letting go of something you associate with security. Have compassion for the part of you that doesn’t want to let go and find a way to reassure yourself that you will be better off without it. Make a list of ‘pay-offs’ and read it every day.

CANCER

6 Cups, Pietersite, Reflection

A relationship is still taking centre stage at the moment. Things that came to light recently have left you feeling unsure of yourself, the situation or the other person. Whatever is going on, things are likely to shift again, so it is really not a good time to make major decisions or take impulsive action. Now is a very good time to step back and observe the changes while reflecting on how you feel.

LEO

10 Swords, Clear Quartz, Chaos

If you have been hanging on to something or resisting the changes that have been beckoning you then you may find this month a challenge. A storm is brewing and it is going to force you to accept that change is indeed required. Whether you experience the storm internally or externally, it will bring with it the clarity or vision you need. Ride the storm and use it as a tool to clear your mind.

VIRGO

Knight of Staffs, Sugilite, Spirit Guide

You are feeling inspired by something or someone new. The Knight of Staffs heralds new beginnings and influences, particularly on a creative/sexual level. Your Guide has come to tell you that you are ‘on path’ (in case you have any doubts) and are therefore protected. The best thing you can do is to open your inner channel to receive this new energy and allow it to work through you.

LIBRA

The World, Mookaite, Letting Go

This is an important period of completion. This month you can enjoy your achievements or the experience of reaching a specific goal. Take time to acknowledge how well you have done and reward yourself for your hard work and perseverance. Once you have done this you then need to integrate your experiences so you can let go and move your energy on to the next project or goal.

SCORPIO

3 Cups, Lapis Lazuli, Air

It is time to become much more savvy about who you spend your time with. You are perceptive but you don’t always listen to your inner voice and sometimes you end up keeping everyone at arm’s length. You are now beginning to realise there are people around who share your values and who you can intuitively trust. It is time to surround yourself with like minded, supportive people.

SAGGITARIUS

Knight of Swords, Moonstone, Synthesis

You may need an emotional detox. If you have been harbouring negative feelings that feel like a broken record, it is time to cut through the proverbial! Of course you are entitled to negative feelings but if you wallow in them they will end up running your life. It is time to see that things are coming together exactly as they should. Focus on what is good and allow yourself to be happy!

CAPRICORN

Maid of Vesicas, Malachite, Choice

You are reaching a greater sense of inner stability because you are centring inwardly rather than looking outside of yourself for answers. Malachite suggests that there may be some challenging feelings to explore now that you are feeling more grounded. Rest assured, you have the right state of mind to deal with them and you always have a choice about how to handle difficult emotions.

AQUARIUS

King of Swords, Black Tourmaline, Fire

You are a power house of mental determination and clarity, combined with creative passion and motivation. You are, however, also feeling slightly on guard. What you are experiencing is a natural reaction to the intense energy you are currently summoning up to use in your life. You need to develop self protection without resorting to fear: Be discerning about where you direct your energy.

PISCES

3 Staffs, Carnelian, Openness

There are lot of things to sort through and although it seems to be ‘stuff’ about other people, it is actually ‘stuff’ within yourself. You will find it hard to open up to others or to life if you are deceiving yourself in some way. It is time to ask those important questions and give yourself really honest answers. Take some time out to ground yourself and to sort out your inner reality.