Psyche in the City – How do we resolve conflicts in our relationships?

‘Part of the joy of relating is the challenge of learning to work around your differences .’ Freya ♥

Conflict resolution is an integral aspect to healthy relating. However, it can sometimes be hard to work to resolve issues, especially as many of us have never been taught how. If we have not learned this essential skill in childhood, we may find ourselves ill equipped to deal with the challenges of adult relationships. Unresolved conflicts lead to painful power struggles, relationship break downs and feuds that can last a life time. So how can we resolve the conflicts we experience in our relationships?

When we first meet someone we usually show them our ‘best self’ and try to be accommodating and flexible in order to give the relationship a chance to grow and develop. As we spend more time with someone, (whether a friend, colleague or potential lover,) we naturally become more involved and begin to express our needs, values and beliefs. The more time and energy we invest in the relationship, the more validation we will begin to expect from the other person.

This seems perfectly reasonable, after all, if your closest relationships don’t honour your needs, values and beliefs, then you will eventually end up feeling invalidated and/or overlooked. As both parties get to know each other they may discover that a need, value, or belief doesn’t match and a conflict will naturally arise within the relationship. Of course, part of the joy of relating is the challenge of learning to work around these differences.

There are several ingredients in a healthy relationship that help with resolving conflicts. The first and most basic ingredient is compatibility. The more compatible you are in lifestyle, values, beliefs, goals etc, the less likely that major differences will occur between you. However, even the most compatible relationships will experience differences and in some cases, outright oppositions. You would particularly expect this within a sexual relationship because by its very nature sexual attraction is the attraction of opposites.

The second ingredient is equality. In a relationship where one person dominates the other, the two people may seem to enjoy a happy ‘conflict free’ equilibrium. However, just because the conflict is not overtly expressed, doesn’t mean that it doesn’t exist. If one person allows themselves to be subjugated, they may believe that they are ‘keeping the peace’ when in reality they are simply avoiding the conflict. A conflict that is not acknowledged can never be resolved. If a conflict is not resolved, it will continue to create a problem, even if that problem seems safely tucked under the carpet.

Without equality, conflicts cannot be resolved because the more powerful person will always try to get their own way, regardless of the effect this has on the other person. Many people who avoid intimate relationships avoid them precisely because they don’t want to loose themselves in this way. When both people feel equal, there is the possibility for a resolution because the needs, values and beliefs of both parties have an equal place in the relationship.

The third ingredient in conflict resolution is compromise. While this sounds obvious, a true compromise is surprisingly difficult to achieve. Even if there is a genuine equality in the relationship, in conflicts people are naturally inclined to either fight their own corner or conversely to acquiesce and give up. Fighting and acquiescing are two sides of the same power struggle and will rarely lead to a genuine compromise that will resolve the issue.

Ultimately, what is required to resolve any conflict is consciousness. To achieve consciousness within a relationship, each party needs to be able to take responsibility for the unconscious element of their own relating. In a conscious relationship, there is room for compromises and the occasional disappointment because each person is aware of their own needs and seeks to accept the needs of the other person without feeling overly threatened or indebted.

More often than not, serious conflicts in relationships are created when unmet childhood needs are ‘triggered’ in the present. (This is just as likely to happen at work as in personal relationships.) When this happens, we set off on an unconscious quest to get the other person to finally give us whatever it was we were denied in the past. The stronger our attachment, the greater our desire to have them satisfy our unmet need. Unfortunately, when we seek to have an unmet need satisfied in this (unconscious) way, we will inevitably be disappointed – again.

We know we’re stuck in an unconscious emotional pattern when we seem to attract the same conflict(s) over and over again. Other clues that we are acting from an unconscious place are; feeling overly threatened by the other person’s needs or by the conflict itself; feeling defensive, trapped, powerless and/or excessively scared, angry or irrational and using words like ‘always’, ‘never’, ‘everyone’ or ‘nobody’ to describe how you are feeling. When someone is in this emotionally charged state, it is impossible for them to see things clearly enough to find a mutually beneficial resolution.

The only way to resolve conflicts in our current relationships is to become conscious (aware) of any unmet needs from our past and to take full responsibility for dealing with them ourselves. Our friend cannot fix the past for us and it is unfair to expect them to. Equally, we cannot fix the past for our friend and they too must take responsibility for their own needs. If we discover that we need help in dealing with our unconscious patterns, then it can be beneficial to seek professional support.

In a conscious relationship, conflicts can still be tricky and take time to sort out. The difference is, any conflicts that arise are perceived as a challenge rather than a threat; as an opportunity for growth rather than an inevitable failure to get your needs met. When both parties can demonstrate a willingness to trust the process of the relationship, to let go of any attachments to the outcome and to treat each other with kindness and respect while they’re figuring it out, then the resolution, once it reveals itself, will simply be the tasty cherry on the cake : )

Psyche in the City – How responsible are we for other people’s feelings?

‘In a healthy relationship the needs, feelings and desires of each individual are given equal importance.’ Freya ♥

When someone gets upset with us about something we have, or have not done, it is easy to end up feeling bad about ourselves. While there are people who don’t seem to care about what others think, many of us worry incessantly about treading on others toes or getting a bad reaction. So, just how responsible are we for other people’s feelings?

Until relatively recently, people were expected to conform to the values of the community they were born into, including the smaller community of their family. Everyone was expected to do as they were told and to put duty to others above duty to the self. Even the most intimate of personal decisions such as choosing a sexual partner, needed to be sanctioned by an authority figure. If an individual rebelled against this authority, the price was likely to be rejection, exile, imprisonment or even death.

Many countries across the world still maintain a traditional social structure which is why we continue to hear about stonings for adultery, ‘honour’ killings for disgracing the family and state executions for crimes against God. What is often forgotten is that our lives were governed in much the same way until the relatively recent collective rebellion of the 1960s and 70s. Out of this period of liberation a new ‘individualistic‘ social order was created.

Unfortunately, just because we are legally free to make our own choices doesn’t mean that others won’t try to control or manipulate us into doing what they want, especially if they hold power or authority over us. Violence is no longer considered an acceptable method of control so people are increasingly likely to revert to more subtle or covert tactics which can be difficult to spot and even harder to challenge.

One of the most powerful ways to control another person is to make them feel bad about themselves.

When a person or group attempts to use bad feelings to gain control or influence over someone, they are using emotional manipulation. Here are some examples:

• shaming; (shouting, verbal attacks, name calling, criticising, humiliation, bullying)

• guilt tripping; (acting hurt, sulking, emotionally withdrawing or blaming)

• emotional blackmail; (threatening to leave, to reject someone or to withdraw love, money or affection)

• undermining; (sabotaging, deceiving, scapegoating)

Whenever someone tries to control or manipulate another person, they are attempting to make the victim responsible for their own feelings, needs or desires. Rather than taking care of themselves, they are hoping they can coerce the other person into taking care of them. Of course just because we are feeling bad or someone else is expressing hurt feelings doesn’t automatically mean we are being emotionally manipulated but if we feel excessively guilty or self doubting it is worth checking out what is really going on.

If you are feeling bad about someone’s reaction to you it can be helpful to step back from the situation in order to gain better perspective. The first question to ask yourself is; ‘have I transgressed one of my own morals or values?’ If you feel bad because you have done (or not done) something you feel unhappy about in yourself, then make changes for your own sake. It is very difficult to feel good about yourself when you are not living life in accordance with your own values and it also makes it much easier for a manipulative person to find a way to undermine you.

If you think you are only feeling bad because of the other person then ask yourself; ‘do they have a personal agenda that they are attempting to get me to fit into?’ Examples of this would be they want you to change your decision, thoughts, behaviour, or feelings in a way that will suit them better. If you think this may be the case, then ask yourself; ‘would this change require me to put my own needs, feelings or desires to one side in order to make them feel better?’

If someone is trying to get you to negate your own needs, feelings, or desires in order to take care of theirs, whether they are aware of it or not, they are emotionally abusing you. No one has the right to expect you to put their needs above your own. In healthy relationships the needs, feelings and desires of each individual are given equal importance. Sometimes a compromise may need to be found, but if you come to the conclusion that you are being emotionally manipulated then it is time to stand up for yourself and what is important to you.

Many people have been conditioned to sublimate their own needs, feelings and desires in order to ‘fit in’ with those of their care givers. They grow up believing that they can avoid further feelings of guilt, shame, self doubt or fear by conceding to the wishes of others. What they don’t realise is that the bad feelings cannot be avoided by acquiescing because the manipulator needs to continue inflicting pain in order to maintain control of the relationship: As long as you agree to emotional manipulation, you will continue to feel bad.

It can be very scary to consider breaking free from the clutches of an emotional manipulator. Should we decide to stand up for ourselves, we often fear what they will do or say next. This is for good reason, as it is pretty normal for a manipulator to escalate their efforts in an attempt to regain control. (If you have any concerns that refusing to play someone else’s game will lead them hurting themselves, you, or anyone else, please be sure to seek professional support and advice before making any changes.)

The painful feelings the manipulator throws at you will only stick if you chose to take them on board. You can at any point chose to stop buying into the myth that it is your responsibility to make them feel better and that if you do it their way, somehow you will end up feeling better. If you really want to be free of those feelings of guilt, shame, fear and self doubt, then let go of the belief that you can ever make yourself happy through submitting to another person’s agenda. True happiness comes from living life in accordance with our own values, needs, and desires and allowing others to do the same.

Psyche in the City – ‘What can we do to enable us to reach our goals?’

‘Ultimately all that really counts when striving to reach our goals is what we choose to believe about ourselves.’ Freya ♥

As we grow up we are often told that if we believe in ourselves enough, we can make any dream come true. Society’s liberating message has been amplified by a recent spate of ‘ordinary’ individuals being catapulted into instant fame and success through participation on TV reality shows. So, if it is really that easy, why do so many of us struggle to create the wonderful lives we feel entitled to?

Many people are negatively affected by personal circumstances at some point in their life – we can feel held back by poverty, education, gender, sexuality, childcare, the economy, illness or disability etc. Yet when you look around there will always be individuals who have somehow managed to overcome these obstacles and achieve their goals. For those of us who still struggle, this begs the question if they can do it then why can’t I?

If we look closely enough, we will often discover that the biggest obstacle to reaching our goals lies within. Internal barriers are far more effective at restricting us than even the most unfortunate circumstances. This is because we are usually completely unaware that the barrier is there, and even when we know about it, we are rarely taught how to overcome them. Circumstances often get all the blame simply because we don’t know how to identify or deal with the inner barriers that hold us back.

Once we decide to face any internal barriers head on, we become empowered to do something about our situation. While we can’t always change the circumstances around us, we usually can change what goes on in our heads. It’s not always easy, but it is definitely possible. Whatever your circumstances may be, if you are feeling stuck it is always worth taking a deeper look.

Goals are meant to stretch us, which is why we feel proud when we achieve what we have set out to do. If there was no challenge involved then it wouldn’t be a goal – you’d simply go out and do it without further ado. In order to meet the challenges that any worthy goal presents, we need a strong inner foundation. When we don’t have that foundation, we are more likely to stumble along the way and if we feel stuck we are much more likely to jump to the conclusion that the goal is out of our reach.

The motivation required to keep us going comes directly from two things – our self worth; (the belief that who we are and what we have to contribute is valuable) and our self confidence; (the belief that we have the skills required and the ability to handle things). Even when other people are raving about how wonderful they think we are, it is still possible to harbour a devastating sense of self doubt. If we are trying to convince ourselves that we ‘just need one more qualification’ or we compare ourselves harshly to some external standard, you can be sure that it is self doubt holding us back.

The belief that we are some how ‘not good enough’ stems from early conditioning. Thankfully, once we have reached adulthood, we have the power to change the script. No matter what people seem to think of us, ultimately all that really counts is what we choose to believe about ourselves. Should we discover we don’t think very much of ourselves or our abilities, then it is up to us to do something about it because no one else can change our mind for us.

Chronic self doubt is a deeply ingrained ‘mental habit’ that can be rectified by consciously changing the messages we feed our minds. Self worth and confidence are both extremely vulnerable to the messages or feelings we habitually indulge in. Our task is to take responsibility for these messages and to commit to replacing negative self talk with positive affirmations. To combat chronic self doubt we need to become conscious of all the negative beliefs that serve to undermine us. Then we can slowly start to replace each one with something that makes us feel good about ourselves.

The main difficulty arises when the habitual thought or feeling is so deeply ingrained that we just can’t accept that it isn’t based on ‘the truth’. The best thing to do in this situation is ask yourself if you want to believe in this negative thought or feeling or would you prefer to believe in something more life affirming? If we can at least accept that there is a possibility that our negativity doesn’t represent ‘the truth’, then we can get on with nurturing our brain with new messages that we do want to believe in.

How we view ourselves is always a choice, though for those who have been wounded in childhood it often doesn’t seem that way. As children we have no way of separating ourselves from external influences, so we take things on board without discrimination. It can take a huge leap of faith to believe that we can learn how to feel better about ourselves. Yet, if we take this leap of faith and keep practicing our new behaviours, one day we will wake up and discover the joys of unshakable self belief.

Freya ♥

If you would like support in transforming the way you view yourself and your capabilities, life coaching can be a very helpful tool. I offer telephone coaching for individuals committed to the journey of self discovery and personal development. Please email to arrange your free consultation and discover how transformational coaching could benefit you:

info@freyaeostre.com

Land-line number available for coaching sessions

Face-to-face coaching also available in Chard, Somerset

Prices: £160 for 4x 1hr sessions

Psyche in the City – ‘How can we deal with feelings?’

‘It takes remarkable courage to reveal your vulnerability to another human being.’ Freya ♥

Many of us struggle with not knowing how to handle feelings in both ourselves and others. We all have feelings, but it seems many of us grow up developing unhealthy strategies for dealing with them. Sometimes we find it hard to show we have feelings at all and other times they can flood over us in a scary and uncontrollable way. So,
how can we learn to deal with our feelings?

Most of us were taught in childhood that some or all of our feelings were unacceptable to those who cared for us. Sometimes this can be due to social or cultural conditioning (for example ‘boys don’t cry’) but it is just as likely to be because the adults themselves didn’t know how to handle their own feelings and were therefore unable to help the child learn to manage theirs.

When a parent doesn’t know how to deal with their feelings they will naturally find their child’s feelings difficult to handle. When the struggling parent (inevitably) rejects the child’s feelings, the child becomes fearful and ashamed: fearful because they don’t know what to do with their feelings and ashamed because they experience the parents’ rejection of their feelings as a rejection of themselves. The child becomes distressed and seeks to control their feelings in order to feel safe again. When a child is unable to maintain control they end up ‘acting out’ their feelings in unhealthy ways.

There are no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ feelings, they are simply natural, instinctive emotional responses to a stimulus. When our feelings are not accepted by our care givers, we end up with a huge back log of unexpressed emotional energy inside of us. Unresolved feelings don’t evaporate, they are stored in the body until they can be released. (Many health problems are the result of suppressed feelings stored in the body.) When something or someone ‘pushes our buttons’, we may end up losing control and having an emotional reaction which at best appears illogical and at worst causes us to harm ourselves or others.

Unresolved feelings and unhealthy ‘acting out’ patterns developed in childhood are carried with us into adulthood. If we have children of our own, we will unwittingly pass the problem on, that is unless we become conscious of the problem within ourselves and seek to resolve it. We are only just beginning to recognise the true cost of this collective fear and shame of feelings to individuals and society as a whole. Fortunately more and more people are seeking help with processing childhood feelings and finding healthier strategies for managing difficult feelings in the present.

If you struggle with feelings, you are far from alone. Acknowledging this this is an essential first step on the road to recovery. It is also important to recognise that if you struggle with feelings; it is because you were never taught how to deal with them, not because there is something wrong with you. If you didn’t learn how to manage your feelings as a child, then your first task is to begin the process of befriending them today, especially the ones you are still carrying from childhood.

When we are children our parents are responsible for helping us manage feelings. Once you reach adulthood, the responsibility lies solely with you. If you are struggling and want to develop healthier relationships with yourself and/or others then it is essential that you reach out. You need to find someone to explore your feelings with who is supportive, non-judgmental and trustworthy.

The only way to release feelings is by sharing them with someone who will completely accept them.

Of course, this can be a frightening prospect if you have a backlog of unresolved childhood feelings. Many people avoid these by telling themselves that they can sort things out by themselves, that they don’t need ‘help’ or that it is best not to ‘dwell on things’. Many people, especially men, believe that it is a sign of weakness to talk about feelings or to seek help with them if they are struggling. Nothing could be further from the truth; it takes remarkable courage to reveal your vulnerability to another human being. Here are some common signs that we are having problems managing our feelings:

• Chronic or recurrent depression, anxiety, irritability, rage, guilt, shame or loneliness

• Chronic feelings of low self-worth, feeling somehow ‘different’ or separate from others

• Painful or destructive relationships with our partner, family, friends and/or colleagues

• We have a child who is is very withdrawn, angry or who’s behaviour is out of control

• Avoidance of social interaction, close friendships or sexual relationships

• Addiction to alcohol, drugs, smoking, shopping, sex, work, food, gambling, computers etc

• Eating disorders and self harming

• Suicidal thoughts or attempts (past or present)

• Criminal, ‘insane’ or other destructive behaviour

If you suffer anything on the above list, then it would be a great benefit to you and the people around you if you found support. Most of the time we don’t even notice how estranged we are from our feelings, we just wonder why our life seems so empty or chaotic. Sooner or later, whatever we find too painful or difficult to deal with will have a detrimental effect on our relationship to ourselves and others. And whatever unresolved feelings we have been carrying with us from childhood will continue to follow us around until we choose to heal.

Reach out to at least one other human being who is able to offer support and guidance.

Start befriending your feelings by:

• Talking honestly with a close friend or relative about how you are feeling today. This can help get the ball rolling in the right direction. However, we usually also need someone who is experienced and impartial to guide us through this challenging process.

• Finding a counsellor or therapist you like and trust. Both are widely available privately and through various organisations. You may even be able to get one through your employer, academic establishment or the NHS (if you are persistent!)

• Joining a 12 Step group or other appropriate self help group. Sharing your feelings in a (healthy) group of non-judgemental peers is a powerful healing experience. Codependents Anonymous is specifically for improving our relationships to ourselves and others. In a healthy 12 Step meeting, people work the steps in sponsorship and follow the traditions.

Wherever you choose to go, make sure the support offered helps you to lessen your fear and shame. Sharing with safe and accepting people will enable you to begin to explore your deepest feelings and will help you to discover a new freedom to be yourself. Remember there are no quick fixes, it takes commitment and perseverance to change. Good luck!

Psyche in the City – How do we know when it is time to ‘give up’?

‘Without genuine passion for what we are doing we soon find ourselves stuck in the mud of our inner dissatisfaction.’ Freya ♥

We are taught that if we try hard enough, we can make things happen. If we want success then we can have it, just as long as we are willing to work hard and put ourselves out there. If someone is not successful, then it is usually believed to be because they haven’t been determined enough. So, when doors are refusing to open for us – should we simply keep on pushing?

During any battle, a variety of tactics can be employed. Sometimes it is appropriate to push ahead and other times it is better to hold your fire and wait. Stake outs, offensives and tactical withdrawals are all important battle strategies that can be utilised at different times. Like in battle, sometimes we proceed down a particular path in life only to discover that something stands in our way and won’t let us pass.

While we are openly encouraged to be proactive when dealing with such obstacles, we are very rarely encouraged to strategically withdraw. When we consider pulling out of a situation we often feel guilt, shame and fear. We feel guilty because choosing to stop trying might mean we are lazy good for nothings. We feel shame because if we have to stop, it might mean we have done something wrong or made a terrible mistake. And we feel afraid because if we decide to get off the merry go around, we may blow our chances forever.

By being proactive and pushing at the right time we can achieve great things. However, forging ahead at the wrong time can cause serious problems. The Titanic sank because she was charged forward at full throttle through dangerous waters. To forge ahead in this manner is clearly not always a good idea. Being able to slow down or withdraw from a particular path is an important strategy in life. Sometimes we need a break. Sometimes we have lost direction and need to figure out what to do next. Other times we may realise that we have been banging our heads on a brick wall and really need to give up.

Unfortunately we often fear the idea of ‘giving up’ because we see withdrawal as a sign of weakness. Actually, having the ability to pull back or walk away is a sign of strength of character and a deep faith. To walk away from a job that everyone else thinks is great because of the prestige or high salary because you know it is not the right path for you is a sign of courage and personal conviction. In order to become a true path walker we need to learn to listen to our hearts and be willing to walk ‘the road less traveled’. If this involves a U turn or a complete withdrawal, then so be it.

If you feel you have hit a road block or a door won’t open for you then it is time to ask yourself: ‘Is this what I really want?’ If you have a strong desire to stop and the only reason you haven’t is because the ‘what ifs’ are scaring you silly, then the chances are that stopping is is the very thing you need to do. It is important that you take some much needed time out to explore your fears and investigate your options. If you feel you need some support in completing this process, then you may find life coaching helpful or you could try talking it over with an objective friend.

When you can put your hand on your heart and say ‘this is what I truly want’, then you can be sure you are heading in the right direction. If this is the case, the chances are you are being challenged to let go of control and develop more patience and trust. If you have done all that you can, pull back and allow the Universe to work its magic and other people to catch up. If one particular door stubbornly remains closed, decide to leave it be and start exploring other options. Often a door will open the minute you stop trying, and even if it does remain closed, you will be well on the way to finding a new solution.

If you are sitting there feeling confused or undecided about whether this is what you really want, then ask yourself: ‘How passionately do I feel about this?’ If you feel little or no passion, the chances are the reasons you want to continue on this path are not in alignment with your heart. Perhaps you are seeking to fit in or to make other people happy. Perhaps you believe that making good money will grant you happiness or freedom regardless of what you have to do to earn it. While you may feel motivated at first, without genuine passion we soon find ourselves stuck in the mud of our inner dissatisfaction.

Whenever you hit a stubborn block in the road, you can be sure that life has an important message for you. If your efforts to push past it come to no avail, then it is time to tactically withdraw your energy and re-assess the situation. Should you discover that you lack desire or passion for this particular path – then it may well be time to give up altogether and go in search of fresh new pastures. After all, if we are not fighting for what we really want, then what are we really fighting for?

Psyche in the City – ‘How can we move beyond the climate change debate?’

‘True progress requires the ability to accept reality, learn from mistakes and to look beyond the end of one’s nose. ’ Freya ♥

Recently there have been a couple of debates on Radio 2 about climate change. It seems that whenever it is discussed in the media, the same questions get asked over and again as people debate if it is really happening. The arguments against climate change are varied; protesters are simply scare mongering or trying to create jobs for themselves; the Earth goes through natural climatic cycles and human activity isn’t that significant; and anyway, wouldn’t it be nice if Britain got a bit more sunshine?

With all this debating we seem to have completely missed the point: No one is likely to able to prove it one way or the other until it is too late to do anything about it. Ultimately the proof will be in the pudding, and once we can prove our pudding is indeed burnt, it’s a bit late to turn the temperature of the oven down. Waiting for a world wide ecological disaster before taking radical action is as ridiculous as insisting that fatalities need to reach 1,000 before putting in a set of traffic lights at a dangerous junction.

Considering how health and safety conscious we are in this country, it is surprising that we are taking something so potentially lethal so lightly. It is time we focused on working out the best way to manage the potential risk of global warming, rather than wasting precious time and energy debating whether or not it will definitely happen. If there is even the slightest chance that human activity could cause a global ecological melt down, then surely we have a moral obligation to do whatever is in our power to stop it.

Even if it was proven that there wasn’t any risk at all, there are still plenty of other compelling reasons to make radical changes in the way we use the earth’s resources. The circular global warming debate is fast becoming a red herring that distracts us from immediate concerns such as pollution, deforestation, third world poverty and the scary fact that the entire global economy relies completely on oil – a non-renewable resource that is going up in smoke at an alarming rate. Is there really any justifiable argument for continuing in the direction we are currently headed?

In truth, we are less than enthusiastic about making any radical changes because we have convinced ourselves that burning fossil fuels is the only way to maintain the material comfort we have become so accustomed to. While people in the West fear losing the wealth we have accumulated, those living in the developing world are already paying a huge price for our extravagant lifestyles. Even those who actively choose to live a more sustainable way of life are being forced to compete because we are literally pilfering their resources, polluting their water and destroying their lands.

Human beings have got to where we are today because of our incredible creativity, adaptability and resourcefulness. If we were to cause some kind of global disaster then we would of course rely on these qualities to try and fix things. The chances are there will always be survivors who will find a way to pick up the pieces and start again – just like people have done in every major war and natural disaster. Most futuristic films predict precisely this but we have the choice to create a different kind of future and to avoid causing more human suffering.

What makes us truly special is that in addition to our creative resourcefulness, we also have the gift of foresight, something which enables us to avoid such disasters in the first place. Humanity has been incredibly ambitious and up until this point, we have collectively chosen to ignore this godly gift of foresight. We like to believe that we have made great progress and in many ways we have, but how ‘developed’ can we claim to be when we ignore what is obvious and stubbornly continue to make the same glorious (and costly) mistakes?

We are currently facing a cross roads in our evolution. True progress requires the ability to accept reality, learn from mistakes and to look beyond the end of one’s nose. Never in the history of humanity has so much been at stake; if we get this wrong, there really will be nowhere left to hide. And yet never before have we been so technologically accomplished and creative. We have everything that we need to create an amazing future, one where we have made an honest assessment of what lies ahead and decided to use our resourcefulness to seek solutions rather than wasting them on creating and surviving avoidable disasters.

If ‘economic growth at any cost’ continues to be our driving force, then sooner or later we will crash and burn. If we continue to increase our reliance on the burning of non-renewable resources then eventually, we will all have to pay the true price. Instead we could choose to focus on creating a unifying vision for a better future. Should we decide to turn our incredible skill and determination towards finding imaginative ways to live sustainability, we would soon discover there are infinite possibilities for growth and prosperity that don’t cost the lives of our fellow humans, or our place on this amazing planet.

‘Psyche in the City’ – How can we build our self esteem?

‘When we feel good about ourselves, it is much easier to love others and allow them to love us.’ Freya ♥

People talk about the importance of high self esteem for creating a happy and fulfilling life. Contrary to popular belief, not everyone who has low self-esteem is unsuccessful, indeed many may even appear to ‘have it all’ yet still feel bad about themselves or their lives. Without self-esteem we can get into a downward spiral and not be able to find a way out. So, what is self esteem and how can we develop it?

Self esteem and self confidence are not the same thing. We may be the most confident person in the world and still suffer from debilitating low self esteem. When we are confident we may feel we have a valuable skill or personality trait and have the ability to project it out into the world. When we have self confidence, we believe that we are good at something or sometimes we simply have an outgoing personality. Self esteem, on the other hand, is how good we feel about ourselves on a deep level.

If we believe we are essentially unlovable, bad or worthless, then we are suffering from low self esteem and this may or may not affect our ability to project ourselves out into the world. There are plenty of people with low self esteem who are driven to try and feel better through gaining success in the world. We may achieve great things in life but success won’t cure the pain of true low self-esteem.

How we feel about ourselves in relationships is a good barometer of how high our self esteem is. It is impossible to have a loving relationship with someone when we do not esteem (or love) ourselves. This is why so many successful celebrities struggle in their relationships despite the fact that they seem to have it all in terms of fame, looks and money. When we feel good about ourselves, it is much easier to love others and to allow them to love us.

Of course someone with high self esteem can lack confidence in their abilities or be socially shy. However, they are more likely to find ways to overcome any personal issues because they feel fundamentally good about who they are. High self esteem creates essential inner resources which people with low self esteem lack. When we know deep down that we are lovable, acceptable and valuable, we instinctively know how to treat ourselves with the love and respect that we deserve. When we have low self esteem, we don’t know how to give ourselves what we really need to flourish.

Self esteem develops in childhood. When we experience unconditional love from our care givers and felt accepted for who we are, then we enter into the adult world with a sense of belonging and self acceptance. However, if life experiences make us feel bad (ashamed, unloved or worthless) then we come to the conclusion that we are bad, and that our intrinsic badness caused the bad things to happen to us. This is because children develop their beliefs about their worth and identity through external mirroring.

Unless a child is taught how to separate painful life experiences from their sense of worth and core identity, they will grow up feeling that they are as bad as their worst experiences made them feel. And when they grow up they will try to find ways to make up for what they feel is wrong with them, often desperately chasing after love, success or some other high. Whatever they feel driven to fill themselves up with, they are simply looking to feel better about themselves and to become whole again. Ultimately nothing ‘out there’ will ever fix this problem – it can only act as a distraction from the pain.

People with low self esteem struggle with negative core beliefs about themselves. These negative beliefs undermine them in two ways. Firstly they approach life from a negative view point because they are looking for evidence that what they believe is true. (We all seek evidence for our core beliefs.) This means that the person with LSE looks for ways to feel bad. They automatically notice all the things that confirm their belief that they are unlovable or worthless. For example, if two people sat in front of them and one said ‘you’re an amazing person’ and the other one said ‘you’re a bad person’, deep down they would believe the person who criticised them, no matter who was more qualified to comment or accurate in their appraisal.

Secondly people with LSE find it challenging to treat themselves with love and respect. This means that they will often make choices that only lead them to feel worse; a woman may continually choose unloving partners and try to make them love her more; a man may choose to avoid the woman he loves because secretly he doesn’t feel good enough; an employee may get into fights with co-workers because of feelings of worthless or a fear being exposed and a parent may become a doormat because they fear disapproval or rejection from their child.

How we feel about ourselves colours all of our perceptions and choices. When we are suffering pain within, we can only create more pain. And when we create more pain this only serves to confirm what we already believe to be true – that we do not deserve to be happy or that something bad inside of us is causing bad things to happen. Low self esteem creates a self perpetuating cycle that is deeply damaging to both ourselves and those we try to relate to. So, what can we do to break the cycle?

Fortunately there are many tools available for helping someone to break the cycle. The first step is to realise that your low self esteem is causing a problem in your life and to decide that you are going to do something about it – whatever it takes. It isn’t an easy thing to heal – it takes time and commitment to break the cycle, but the rewards are immense. If you don’t yet feel worth the effort, then you can try ‘acting as if’ you do. Ask yourself how you think someone with high self esteem would act? If you are unable to do this then, then perhaps you can find a way to do it for the people you love because your pain will be affecting them too.

Once you have decided to take action you have many tools and options available to you. My suggestion is that you choose at least three things to try from the following list and make sure at least one of them involves asking for support – reaching out to other people is an important part of the process of healing.

1. Get a qualified therapist or counselor

2. Join a self help group (Codependents Anonymous is focused on developing self esteem)

3. Get a life coach or ask a friend to become your ‘self esteem buddy’

4. Start a journal and explore your inner feelings

5. Talk to a friend about how you really feel (someone you trust and who treats you with respect)

6. Find a healing spiritual practice (one that helps you let go of shame and guilt)

7. Use positive affirmations on a daily basis (they really do work!)

8. Deal with any active addictions (they will only ever make you feel worse)

9. Keep a daily log of all the nice things that happen to you and/or make you feel good.

10. Connect with your Higher Power every day (to both express gratitude and ask for help)

Please note – if you have a serious addiction, are from suffering clinical depression or anxiety, then please do not hesitate to seek professional help. None of my suggestions are intended as a replacement for appropriate medical attention.

I am currently creating more detailed resources for dealing with low self esteem which will be put on my website in due course. If you feel ready to make changes in your life, I also offer a telephone coaching service. Transformational coaching is an effective method for helping you to build self esteem and supports you in creating the life that you want. For further information please check the relevant page on my website. To contact me, send an email to: info@freyaeostre.com

The aim of my work is to offer guidance and support to those who are embarking on a journey of self discovery and personal transformation.

‘I really appreciated your Psyche in the City article on self esteem and the work you are doing. You have summed things up incredibly well and it really touched me to read it – it is very insightful and so eloquently written.’

Anna

Psyche in the City – ‘How can we effectively deal with bullying?’

‘Once we accept that we have no control over a bully, we can bring the focus back to ourselves.’ Freya ♥

In our society, we have a long history of unequal relationships such as slave and owner, servant and master, King and subject. Although society has changed and bullying is no longer considered socially acceptable, it is unfortunately a deeply ingrained behaviour that many people resort to, particularly in times of stress. So, if we are likely to come a cross a bully at some point in our adult lives, what’s the best way to deal with them?

If we experience prolonged feelings of powerlessness in childhood, we are catapulted into a very frightening place. Usually we adopt coping strategies such as people pleasing, perfectionism, or being overly apologetic in an attempt to regain a sense of security. However, sometimes a child will seek to overcome their feelings of victimisation by hurting others. In essence, bullying is a childish attempt to hide overwhelming feelings of fear and inadequacy from others and ourselves.

Most adults will also respond to bullying by trying to either placate or fight back. When we chose to challenge, confront, placate or avoid; what we are actually doing is trying to control the bullying by becoming stronger, invisible or a ‘better’ person. However, trying to control the bullying doesn’t work for two reasons: Firstly, you cannot change or control another person; you are completely powerless over the bully. Secondly, you are not the cause of the bully’s behaviour; until they deal with their unresolved feelings, they are highly unlikely to change.

Once we accept that we have no control over a bully or their behaviour, we can bring the focus back to ourselves. Many people discover that they have their own unresolved feelings about being bullied in childhood and consequently respond from a heightened state of fear or anger. Unfortunately reacting from these unresolved feelings will only exacerbate the situation further. If you find you are being repeatedly or severely bullied as an adult it may be time to go back and rescue the wounded child of your past through counselling or therapy.

Essentially, the only way to deal with a bully is to stop handing our power over to them. True power lies in an unshakable sense of self – not in having control over others or their behaviour. Once we are adult, no one has the power to make us feel bad unless we allow them to. When we have a solid sense of self, we trust our feelings, capabilities and worth, no matter what. When we choose to take responsibility for our own feelings of security, we no longer need to try and control the bullying in order to feel safe.

There are many situations in which you may find yourself feeling bullied. Some bullies set out to scare or hurt while others are simply unaware of the effect their behaviour is having on the people around them. The bullying may be as overt as a physical threat or as subtle as a snide comment. Whatever the intention or the tactics, the best way to handle the bullying depends on the relationship you have with them.

If you are being bullied by a friend or partner, it is important to find the strength to address your fears. Identify what needs to change, then firmly and gently set your boundaries. If those boundaries are not respected, then time apart may well be the next step. If the issue is with your spouse or live in partner, then more time and effort may be required to find a solution. If over time you have set clear boundaries and they continue to try and bully you, then it may be time to find the self respect to walk away. The key point here is that ultimately you need to expect respectful treatment from those you choose to be in a relationship with.

On the other hand, you may not have chosen to be in a the relationship with the bully. Perhaps it is someone you work with or someone who is part of another group you are involved in. In this case you cannot terminate the relationship without potentially losing out in other ways. If you chose to stay, your best bet is to remain as neutral as possible. This means avoiding being overly apologetic or getting into power games. Find a way to internally accept them for the way they are without excusing their behaviour. Choose not to deal with them unless you have to and approach any necessary interactions with calm inner confidence. And remember, if haven’t chosen to be in a relationship with someone, what they say or do shouldn’t ultimately matter to you.

When it comes to a bully in the family things can get very tricky, especially if it is a parent. It can be a daunting prospect to challenge the status quo and you will probably benefit from additional support while you do it. You can either decide to discover a new self respect and put up some boundaries or you can simply distance yourself and deal with them in the same way you would a work colleague. Either way, the key to dealing with a bully in the family is to keep reminding yourself that you are no longer a powerless child and ultimately you depend on yourself for security.

You may find that when you let go of your fear of bullying, that suddenly it doesn’t affect you so much. You may find you can put the behaviour down to stress or an unforgiving upbringing and let it go. You may even discover when you stop being afraid of their reactions, that you can successfully negotiate with them as an equal. Or you may decide that their behaviour is indeed untenable and that you would rather walk away. And if you choose to walk away at this stage, you can do it with a calm inner confidence and a smile on your face.

Psyche in the City – ‘How do we know if we are being too dependent on others?’

‘Emotionally healthy adults know how to find the balance between depending on the self and depending on others.’ Freya ♥

In a world where we are constantly being encouraged to be independent and free, the thought of revealing any dependency fills us with dread. We want independence from parents, external authority and from any sort of social control. Young people are encouraged to roam the world and single people told to celebrate the fact that they can sleep with whomever they like, whenever they like. Independence is equated with confidence, personal power and self actualisation but if we depend on others does that really mean that we are inherently fearful, needy and unable to stand on our own two feet?

Dependency is a word that makes many people cringe. What comes into your mind when you read the word? Being emotionally needy? Addiction to drugs? Not being able to give something or someone up when you should? Many of us have come to the point where we are so terrified of depending on something outside of ourselves, that we habitually keep everything and everybody at arms length. But when we become habitually independent in an attempt to keep ourselves safe, are we not just as fearful as the needy, clingy person?

Independence and dependence are two sides of the same coin and both have their place in our lives. Learning to depend on the self is the goal of every child but healthy self sufficiency does not naturally lead to not having to depend on anyone else. An emotionally healthy adult will know how to find the balance between depending on the self with depending on others. They will have learned how to take care of their needs by themselves and through appropriate, beneficial relationships with others. When we are habitually needy or trying to keep others at arm’s length it is a sign that fear is getting in the way.

As children we depend completely on our family. We have to trust the adults around to take care of us both materially and emotionally, regardless of whether they are up to the job or not. When we are let down we become fearful because our needs don’t get met. We can respond by either becoming needy, waiting for someone to make us feel better, or becoming super-independent, believing that no one else can ever really be trusted. We may act out the opposite responses in different relationships or even swing between the two extremes in the same relationship. However we try and cope, when we are wounded in childhood, (as so many of us are,) we often enter into adulthood with problems knowing how to meet our needs in a healthy way.

We live in a world where we are required to both depend on ourselves and on relationships with others. When we have been wounded in some way, we need to learn how to face our fears, or they will continue to stand in the way of us getting our needs met. Acting too needy or independent repels others from getting close to us yet it is impossible to have our deepest need for love met unless we can allow intimate relationships to develop. The closer and more committed the relationship, the greater the capacity there is for our emotional needs to be met. Ultimately we know we can’t have what we want without letting our defences down, but how can we do this when we are too scared trust?

When we are children we are forced to trust specific others to meet all of our needs. Ultimately once we are adult, we have far more options available to us about where we can go to get any particular need met. While a child relies almost exclusively on their parents for everything, an adult has a multitude of avenues to choose from. We can decide on our friends, partners, and where we work. We can try doing something for ourselves or ask others for help. We can approach professionals, support groups and other organisations if we need additional support. Thankfully, once we have flown the nest we are free to go and find the places where our needs will be met rather than having to sit and hope that one day things will change.

The problem is many people are trapped in the belief that what they experienced in childhood is an accurate reflection of what life will always bring. Struggles with low self esteem, self doubt and fear of getting hurt can make it difficult to break the pattern of struggling to survive without certain needs getting met. The only way out of this is to accept that our experience of our family of origin is not an accurate reflection of the whole world and the way we are treated by our family is not an accurate reflection of the way we will always be treated by other people. Once we free ourselves from our distorted childhood beliefs, we can begin the process of taking small steps to reach out and find what it is we are looking for.

There are no easy answers when it comes to learning how to balance taking care of ourselves with trusting others to be there for us; it takes self awareness and a commitment to change the way we do things. If we are scared to do things for ourselves, we need to practice with small things so we can build self confidence. Over time we will find we can trust ourselves to find a way to meet our needs. If we are too scared to rely on others, we need to decide to take small risks to find out if we can trust individuals and be willing to protect ourselves if we discover we can not. Over time we will learn to recognise those who are trustworthy and feel comfortable depending on them for certain things.

We know we are being too dependent on others when we flatly refuse to depend on ourselves. And when we insist on super-independence, what we are really saying is that we do not trust ourselves to choose people who are dependable. True freedom lies both in believing we can take care of ourselves and in accepting that this often requires us to reach out and depend on others. Whether we are choosing a friend, partner, boss, or therapist, as adults we are always responsible for our choices. Ultimately we need to learn to trust ourselves to find the right people to depend upon.

Psyche in the City – ‘Time for Change?’

‘The right path will reveal itself to you at the right time.’ Freya ♥

For many people, 2009 has been a year for taking the bull by the horns and making big changes. Saturn and Uranus have been forming an opposition during the course of year which has been creating an energetic tension. This is often experienced as either a clash between old and new or conflicting desires between wanting to maintain the status quo and to invite radical change. Many people are looking for creative solutions to old problems, or are being presented with the opportunity to have a complete overhaul in their lives. But how can we successfully navigate change when we feel caught in the middle of opposing forces?

When we take an extreme stand in something, we often find ourselves suddenly and unexpectedly swinging in the opposite direction. If we feel undecided then we may swing between the two opposites many times, believing that if we could just choose the best way to go and stick to it, everything would be ok. The more seemingly opposite our choices are, the greater the sense of tension and the more ferocious the game of mental tennis becomes.

When we focus on opposites and flip our attention from one side to the other, we often miss the bigger picture. We may take impulsive action then worry that it was the wrong thing to do. We may start a change of direction and suddenly want to back out. Or we may become frozen in fear and refuse to take any action at all because we are too fixated on finding the right option. In this state of inner conflict we can miss the simple message our psyche is trying to present to us: It is time for a change.

Rather than getting distracted by the inner tennis match we can chose stand still and ask ourselves; ‘what in my current situation is making me unhappy?’ When we appear to be faced with two conflicting options we need to take time to reach an understanding rather than simply reacting to the discomfort. Sometimes we discover that a radical change is indeed required – that is is the only way out of an untenable situation. However, often we discover is that there is a way of making the required changes in a gentle step by step manner, without the need to turn our lives upside down.

Ultimately growth requires both change and stability. When you plant a seed you will eventually have to re-pot it so that it can continue to flourish. Saturn represents the soil and the pot that supports it. The seedling needs this to give it stability while it grows strong roots. But when it becomes ready, the seedling will need the upheaval represented by Uranus; to be re-potted or planted into the wild.

Some people are prone to getting pot-bound and attached to the status quo (Saturn). Others impulsively re-pot at the slightest provocation (Uranus). Both these extreme reactions hinder the growth process because a balanced approach is required. If we refuse to budge, the rug will often get pulled from under our feet. And if we throw everything up in the air without any consideration for our need for security or proper timing – we create unnecessary stress or instability in our lives. The following steps will help you keep your balance while navigating changes in your life:

1. Always pay attention to the need for change as soon as it arises.

2. Seek to understand what exactly is making you unhappy in your current situation.

3. Take time identifying all options that are available to you. If it seems like an ‘all or nothing’ decision then look for the ‘middle way’ – things are rarely simply black or white.

4. If you feel ready for a radical change and you are in a position to do so without creating unnecessary stress then go for it! (See if you feel the same way consistently for at least a week.) However, if you find you keep changing your mind about what you should do, it is a sign that you need to take a different approach. In this case, identify moderate actions and manageable steps you can take that will enable you to test the water, gather relevant information and/or approach the current situation from a different perspective.

5. Trust that when you are willing, the right path will reveal itself to you at the right time, and that you will know what needs to be done. Remember, the Universe is always on your side when you chose to walk the path of personal growth.

Sometimes you will discover all that was required of you was a change of perspective. Other times going ahead and making small changes will help you build the confidence that will enable you to make a radical change later. If you are ever not sure about leaving something behind – it is worth trying to do things differently and seeing if things can change before deciding to let it go. If you have tried doing things differently and you discover things are still not right, then you can trust your decision to move on. Freya ♥